Not About the Nail

May 7, 2025 | by Audrey Appenzeller

“It’s not about the nail, Mom!” 

I had no idea what she meant. For the past 15 minutes she’d been sharing with me about her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And I’d been trying to help. 

I’d mentioned God’s sovereignty and his plan for good for his people. 

I’d mentioned God’s presence in times of trouble… never being separated from his love… God’s love demonstrated through Jesus at the cross. 

When those didn’t hit the spot, I turned to pop culture. I quoted Kelly Clarkson.

 “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Apparently, none of that helped. This I understood. 

The nail? Not so much. 

“Uh…” Time to come clean. “I don’t understand.”

“You knowww.” Her eyebrow quirked. “The YouTube video?” 

I searched my memory but still came up empty. She pulled out her phone and played “It’s Not About The Nail.” 

You’ve probably seen it. The video humorously depicts a woman sharing a problem with a man, simply wanting her emotional needs acknowledged. The man persists in offering what he sees as the obvious solution, much to her frustration. 

Understanding finally dawned. “You want me to just listen.”

She put her hand on top of mine. “I want your empathy. I’m not looking for solutions or explanations right now. I just want to be understood.”

“As an engineer, I’m wired to—”

“Fix things. I know.” She smiled. “That’s why I’m explaining this.”

My daughter is brilliant.

She was also a reminder of a thought circulating in my mind as I’d been working through the Book of Job. 

I confess Job is not a book of the Bible I get excited about reading. At the heart of the book is the question, “Why do good people suffer?” Job is a righteous, prosperous man who seemingly gets caught in the crossfire between God and Satan. Job is tested when God takes everything from him. His possessions are stolen, his children are killed, and his body is covered in painful sores. Then a small group of Job’s friends arrive to “comfort” him while he cries out in misery and asks God, “Why?”

A deeper study of the Book of Job reveals Christ to us. It speaks to man’s relationship with God. It speaks to God’s sovereignty and power. It speaks to our need for an intercessor. There’s a lot of rich gospel meat to chew on in this book.

However, what pricked my heart in that moment was the group of friends who attempted to help Job by telling him that if he would just repent, God would forgive and restore him. They rejected Job’s claims that he’d done nothing to deserve the severe calamity God had brought his way. They ignored his pleas for understanding and empathy. 

Was I like Job’s friends? 

Was my tendency to lead with “fixing” rather than understanding?

While truth and knowledge are important, God repeatedly directs us to focus on love (Matthew 22:37-39). And in practice, empathy and compassion and understanding are foundational elements of love. 

In that moment of “comforting” my daughter with truths about God’s love and understanding, I’d failed to demonstrate it.

I was reminded that God didn’t just conceptually share his love and compassion and understanding. He showed them practically in his Son, Jesus.

A new understanding dawned. A new way to glorify God. A new opportunity to show love.

Time to put it into practice.

The nail can wait.

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About Audrey Appenzeller